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            凌晨三点生与死的思考

            (文章来源: 【】    发布时间        浏览次数:  次)

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            记不得那天的天气了,可能是时间有点远,也可能是沉浸在当时的怀疑或是微微的兴奋,恋爱前夕的我,有着来自于每天面对喜爱的女子的那种兴奋,就像在春天里,每一只小野兽所拥有的兴奋。那天印象里好像是晴天吧,应该不冷不热,反正是天高气爽时节,天气应该差不了。电话里姐姐颤抖的声音让我恐惧,伴着怀疑,她说“咱大大走了!贝蟠?我不晓得他说哪一个大大,尽管能让她哭泣的大大也只有这一个吧。大大生前是个干吧的瘦子,年轻时留着很时髦的发型,板板整整向后梳的那种,在我眼里留下的是足够帅气的形象了。我多少听闻他早年的事,但是大多都不光彩,至于我亲自留下清晰印象的,无非那么两三件事,记忆里我们之间都是充满欢愉的——他在蔬菜大棚里放了一张很有弹性的沙发;还在荷花池里养了满满一池子螃蟹;他家的后院摔一跤玩具竟然会丢掉再也找不到,就和与他有关的记忆一样,肯定在那里,却任由你去寻找。

            前些日子又去了他家的后院,是樱桃成熟的季节,他开垦的土地上结满了樱桃,我是第一次知道这里有这么多圆圆甜甜的果子,连他儿子也是第一次来采摘;牟菰由墓袄镂薮酉陆,我和他的弟弟、儿子、侄子、孙子一起,叔侄三辈人还是开辟了道路满载而归。才不过一年多的时光啊,好端端的园子竟然荒废如此,记忆里的后院是绝对不见了,即使把当年的玩具找到的冲动二十多年间不时冲上头来;故俏姨梦丛垂脑倒拾,上一次踩到这块土地还是送他走的时候,其实我也不确定送他的时候有没有踩这块地,只记得屋内屋外嚎啕一片,我握着爷爷的手,不敢哭,甚至不敢呼吸,仿佛气息吹到别人脸上,便又是一顿哭喊。每一个人的表情我都能清晰地反映,有愤怒的脸,有悲痛的脸,还有比悲痛还悲痛的脸,甚至连他的脸我都清晰地记得,很平静,很不像记忆中的他,干瘪,暗沉。

            人活一口气,人死了也有一口气,在肚子里,呼不出来。我轻触隔着丧布的他的肚子,感受那股气,器官内脏被分解产生的气体把肚子撑得鼓鼓的,仿佛,也没有什么可仿佛的。尸体应该是冰冷,我感受不到,他穿的很体面,很严实;尸体应该是有味道的,尤其是艳阳天里,停放在阴凉处的尸体,我也感受不到,我就跪在他身边,那么近,却一点感受不到,就像他不在我身边一样。街坊邻居行礼,我便回礼,周围人不时的感叹和哭叫,又提醒着我,他在我身边躺着,没有灵魂。有人试图呼唤他的名字以期待他复活苏醒,我没有如此呼喊,只是默默流下温热的泪,我想人死了以后,所看到的世界应该就是这样,没有声音。

            处理死人是有一定流程的,我不晓得流程是什么,只是印象里都有在雨后的跪送这个环节。我记得他走的时候是大晴天,但又记得那时候大雨滂沱,身着孝服的人们走在泥泞的路上,跪得浑身的泥巴,显得狼狈又疲惫。他的儿子我称之为大哥,大哥很孝顺,筹备很厚很重的葬礼,送行的礼炮向后院更后的大桥延伸而去,可能一直延伸到北边的岔路口,几百个礼炮依次点燃,很响很壮观,炮灰不断落在送行人的头上,味道和过年时候的炮仗有些类似,但带着一股文字难以描述的味道,嗅过之后,无一丝欢喜,无一丝生机。场面着实风光,以至活人开始羡慕,羡慕自己走后也能如此?赡苷饩褪窃崂褚绻獾脑涤砂,让活着的人给你再称道一次,感慨一次。

            他在末秋走的,今年末秋应该还有清爽的风,凝结成雪花之前的雨滴也会落下,落在他踩过的每一寸土地,落在早已没有螃蟹的荷花池里,还有破烂不堪的后院。当然雨滴再不可能落到他的肩上,滑过他坟前的风也不能为他带来一丝生气,隔着厚厚的棺椁和薄薄的泥土,他甚至连声音也不会听见。他已经走了,有很多人知道他来过,也有很多人无从了解。日复一日的工作生活,已经使得他从越来越多的人的记忆中消失;但也会有不敢说是爱他人,在难成眠的夜里,对着月亮,把和他点滴的联系,慢慢回想一遍。

            [本文来源:由《星空写作网》整理首发 - http://www.kajpera.com/webHtml/20190701210152.html ]

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